music

I realized that when i stopped doing everything. the whole thign with not leaving the house anymore. i stopped listening to music. Like i mean i hear music all the time, i scroll tiktok and listen to all the music ads, and sometimes i accidentaly turn my spotify on with my earbud while im reading. but i havent just, actively listened to music lately. Because i dont like having it on the background, if im doing something, i put on a youtube video. and if im reading and i put music on, its just background music and im not really listening, im reading. Usually i listen to music when im on the bus or in the car. But i dont leave the house any more. and the only few times when i went outside to skate, i didnt so much as have my earbuds in because its far too dangerous out there to be so unaware and my hearing is already bad enough.

so i don't listen to music anymore. But ive started to. i pull up spotify on the computer when i turn it on instead of youtube, and im still scrolling through tumblr and stuff but im mostly listening to music, and its so loud. my phone cant go that loud and doesnt have the same quality and ive stopped using my laptop. so its just. different. and now im really feeling it. it feels nice. i forgot how it felt to be taken into the music. i wanted to get my guitar out even. its been almost a year probably since the last time i thought about using my guitar, its shoved in the pantry cause it was taking up space. and i want to start trying again. i want to learn how to play it, even just to know even if ill never play it often.

i started writing again too. im dropping now but for a moment everything was just one sensation of tying on the keyboard and music in my ears. i wasnt sitting at the somputer watching youtube for twelve hours straining with a migraine and hunger and tiredness. and i wrote a whole page of words and i havent done that for the year either, even before that. the llast time i just wrote something was when i was still going with shane to drop mary off at work. and i just did it. i turned my music up loud and it was great.

i miss music. because it makes me feel better but i cant just listen to it, i have to be doing something. and i really should go skating and listen to music but im scared and i dont want to leave the house. but i should because i want to and its only going to get colder. i might actually wear a sweater even. and writing this blog has really taken me out of it but at least it was niced while it lasted, and writing things like this really isnt something im familiar with, i wuldnt know how to write a diary if i tried, and i did try once in high school or middle school, i dont even remember anymore. ive been wanting to do more art for a long time, but art is so hard for mew to do, but this is easy. coding this website isnt easy but it is creative, and i get ideas for it. i can put a music player on this page, and learning how to do it will be fun.

i should work on my playlists agin, its been so long since ive done that. ive just come up with ideas from things that happen to me and havent come up with one from scrath for a long time. i havent done a lot of things for a long time. but waiting is useless. things arent going to go back to what they were. things arent going to get better, and im the one thats going to have to change. and i dont want to, i really dont want to. and im not going to until things get so bad that its almost unfixable. ill get over it at some point probably.